How I finally got over the “I’m not good enough” syndrome
It has been a battle. This whole journey. Of finding “myself”. Sometimes I still question it. I will probably always question it. All I know is that one day, it didn’t feel so bad to be in this body anymore. And one day, I didn’t feel so crazy for having the dreams that I did. For wanting the things that I did. I connected to my heart. I went in there. I felt it. I practiced to polish it, so I could have a clear view again, like I did when I was a child. I wanted to get to the root of my sadness, that felt like this thing I had been carrying for many lifetimes. I wanted to heal. Through this healing, I suppose, I found myself.
It started with yoga. And specifically, with Ashtanga Yoga. That became my yoga. It burned up the gross (physical) layers so quick, it tore me apart day after day I would show up on that mat. There would be times I would stop. I would get too scared to keep going, and I wouldn’t show up, I couldn’t show up. But once you have a taste, like falling in love…you know there is a treasure there and so you continue to explore it. The most important thing to remember through it all is: be easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too much over it. Choose the comfort when you need it. It is ok. Because the truth is, you won’t be able to stay away from your truth for too long, and the more you practice, the lower your tolerance for suffering will be. And one day, it will just click, and it will be like breathing. It’s not like I’m at a point now where I can do the asanas perfectly. Ha, no, far from it. It’s just that now, I’ve learned to stay present through them. Feel them. Breathe through them, and use the breath to breakthrough to the lesson that is being taught.
Then came the meditation. Sitting in silence for 10 days and meditating for 9 hours a day was the first major wake up call I had. Vipassana. Unveiled the layers of my mind and made me to realize – damn. None of it is real. These thoughts. These worries, and anxieties. They are all an illusion. And especially hearing about everyone else?s thoughts after the retreat is over and you hear so many of the similar dialogues playing in various brains and then you being to understand what the term “collective consciousness” means. We are all so connected. We are all suffering in the same ways. We just have different stories attached to them.
I continued to practice. That’s all I made sure of – to practice. I wanted to transmute my pain into power. I remember after I had healed myself of a chronic hormonal imbalance – I had lost my cycle for one year, and brought it back through a new holistic lifestyle – that was when I first had the thought, “maybe I could work with women one day and help them to heal their hormonal imbalances.” At the time I quickly brushed this thought off and labeled it “RIDICULOUS” then went on with my day.
Flash forward a few years and several healing and mystical trips to Bali and India later, I really had this pull, I want to teach. But who am I to teach?! I’m not even fully healed myself!?
Well I started to teach anyway, seeing that the calling was too loud to ignore. Here and there, I would teach, and the more I did, the more alive I would feel. I realized then, that this is exactly what I need next to heal. This IS the next step in my healing journey, my spiritual journey, to finding myself. It is time to give. It is time to serve. It is time to touch as many peoples lives as you can, because you are carrying a treasure now, you have been blessed to receive this nectar, and it would be selfish in fact not to share it. You must go out there now and share it. Spread it. Spread the light, that you have found.
And that was that. Ok, not that simple either, still had to listen to many inspiring podcasts and read blogs, meditate, yoga. But I didn’t give up on this idea, and the calling only grew louder. That’s when I knew – this is it. Ok. Time to step away from my story, my pain, my suffering. Time to give, and as I give, I am fed, by the transformation that I have held space for, and there is nothing more rewarding than that. Nothing else I would rather do with this life I have been blessed with.
You ARE good enough. And you always were good enough. It’s just that sometimes, some of us, need a little help seeing that. And that is ok. Make it your mission, to see that. Because I promise you- nothing will bring you greater joy, than knowing that you are worthy, and that you are Love, pure, raw, unfiltered Love.
I love you. Thank you for being here with me.